Why must you lied?

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Coming dates for February

5th February 2009

Zoo Day with Ming.


I have the initial thoughts to bail outta it,discovering how much 'disgust' I had for him.
But honestly that 'disgust' is none of my business. He is still a good friend and I have no intentions to break a already promised outing, noted that he is looking forward to it.
But still, that would not erase the ultimate disgust I had for him for other areas. Fuck!



If you are curious to see how he looks like, this is him.
At least I don't hide, I don't lie. Unlike somethings I found out.







With this, you can now put a face to the name.

I've learnt not to trust non-platonic guy friends.
Love? Fuck off.
Leave you to know the damage you have left behind. I will never be the same anymore.
Thank you very much.








7th February 2009
Von's hen night parrrtttay~~~^^

It's gonna be a huge group of 14 or 15 girls. I've never ever attended any hen party in my whole 25 years and I sure hope this is gonna be a good one!
But of cos' till then, I would be crossing my fingers and doing my prayers for my emo-sis. Hope things will go smoothly.








14th February 2009
Valentine's DayVon's ROM

At least this should keep me from feeling the sting of Cupid's arrow being pulled off from my flesh. Of cos' I doubt it would be a full numb but the busy-ness should be able to keep my mind from running wild and tears from dripping.








22nd February 2009
Breakfast date

Reen, Yan and Von have a breakfast date with their ex-colleague cum friend - Zann. I supposed I am still being invited ba. (hehehe)
I seldom have a breakfast date with friends too, not on Sundays especially. The last breakfast date was..wait, does that KL trip morning breakfast count? Haha.
Hmmm~~It would be nice to have English breakfast.
This is gonna be a healthy Sunday for moi.









I guess this is tentatively more or less about it.
I know I lead a boring life and it would be more or less so, till I snapped outta it.








Von was asking how am I via email today. After typing a whole long chunk of what happened, she told me she cried after reading. I almost cried myself in the office but I forced them all back.






Swallowing tears, such a hard thing to do.
Why must you do this to me always.

It is only on my way home that I start to think.

That same old path I walked everyday was the same old path where you last held my hand.

I miss you so much.

I thought of the many things we wanted to do or could have do together.

But it is too when I think, I can't help to rem' the things you can never give me all these years -- Your time & your prescence made felt.

So many times you are so distant from me, from my heart.

When I didn't see you, I would never know where you are, what you are doing.

I was greatly disappointed to hear what I heard. Wasn't I the one who asked you first? How come it is still not me?

Things that I couldn't come to terms with, I have to now.

Good night.

Lunch time again and I really shouldn't have ordered rice.
Despite I've wasted bulk of the rice, I still feel so full like stomach's gonna explode anytime.

Work is so boring. Life is so monotonous.
I know people are having fun this season, feeling love but I just don't feel like participating.
I feel so dead and at times I do not feel like even trying to participate in the daily conversations.
But I know I have to,anyhow.

I hate feeling and behaving like a depressionalist but sometimes it seems to be the next best thing to do, acting normal & 'monotone' so that I won't cry.

This time round, I feel really dead somehow.
I am not taking any more chance to listen to anything. Whatever for? I hate experiencing this kinda feeling over and over again.

"Lucky that I'm in love with my best friend. Lucky to have been where I've been."

Looks like the luck proves me wrong anyhow or it just runs out.

If disappointment can kills, I'm murdered tonight again

This would be the last of such issues I would be talking about.
I know mainly that I have no such rights and/or standings to make any comments so this time round, I'm keeping my damn mouth shut.

If only you realised what it is that I wanted, I am looking for, hoping for all these time, I wouldn't have go the way I did that evening.
The disappointments built over time is enough and now that I gave up the right to be so, I shouldn't said too much.

"What does it matter what I think?"

It's true. What does it matter to you? Not HOW but WHAT.

I tried my best to be as objective and fair to the whole situation as well as to both of us. But there is only so much I can try to do so when I always can never hear from you. There is only so much I can rely on my guesses, my already shaken faith.

You are not here.
Not here when I wanted you to.
Not here when I cried.
Not here to answer my insecurities.
Not here anymore.

You know the feeling of when you try your best wanting to believe in something again, wanting to grasp something dear to heart...but all you get is your insecurites again and then your tears flood your beliefs again.
Not just once but over and over again?

You tell me how many times can one's heart goes through disappointment over and over again before it's dead?

Thanks to everything, I now find myself too scare to believe in anything again.

Tonight is over.
If disappointment can kills, I'm murdered tonight again.

Ice cream team 2009

As promised, these are some of the pictures of my CNY ice cream team.
3 cousins and 1 nephew.
The cashier @ 7-Eleven asked,"You not scared meh?" and shook her head lightly at 4 hyperactive kids.
I returned with a smile and said,"Once a year."

Why would I be scare?I only meet them a pathetic once a year.
They made me wish I have more cousins around my age then.

They were so excited taking turns with my Pixon and am I glad that my Pixon didn't 'died' under the hands of 2 six years old and 2 eight years old.

More pictures found @ Facebook.

Kids....Will always be kids.

Guess who someone told me he/she saw on the first day of CNY @ Jurong point?
My stomach twisted in horrible shock and everything bad.
I had the instantaneous urge to vomit.

Have I been a fool to be sorry?

Fuck you!

I wonder if I am reading too much into yesterday's actions?
Maybe I ought to get the fact that I am no longer his priority in my head.
I don't know what am I hoping for after seeing each small light up. Now that I forfeited the right to be disappointed, I guess I shouldn't have too many comments.

I just do not know how much more can I keep losing to stop believing.

Anyway had a ultra tiring night! My eyes are shutting now. Gotta sleep before I can't wake up on time to visit Irene tomorrow.

Picture of my fav ice-cream team next post.

This isn't the first time, won't be the last time - 911

Happy Chinese New Year!!!
Hope all of you have a great time visiting, eating, laughing and very importantly accepting ang pows! (With the exception of Irene whose job now is to GIVE ang pows.)

So last night Jason whizzed me off to watch 'Changeling' @ GWC.
I really should have watch a lighter show instead. Not that the story or the acting is bad but it is a little draggy.
Angelina Jolie did a good job with her very emotional acting skills but seriously, that doesn't seem like a pretty good thing with CNY. It doesn't rub in me,not in late hours especially.
True story,though.
Denial for hope. Hope for living. Guess sometimes life has to work this way.

So it was weird alright. I started talking but wished I hadn't. Cos' the moment I opened my mouth, I almost wanna start a verbal fight in the car. He kept quiet and I bit my tongue in regret.

We watched the movie in a few words. Almost wanna slump over to his arms but restrained so. Didn't talk much on the way back.
All is well till he gave me a light friendly hug at my door steps.
Funny that I wasn't feeling sad but somehow, that light hug squeezed my tears out and I started crying again.
Sigh. - Roll eyes -

But it's all good. At least I know I still care.
I miss Jason so much. I so wish that he could make it right for me this time round. But I am afraid with too much haste, it might still end up the same for me again.

Oh the other hand, I am completely disgusted with someone else. COMPLETELY DISGUSTED!
Period.

Can't wait to see the little cousins (maternal) tonight.

Contradicting.

Peikang (Kor) thought I am a very contradicting individual.
I always thought I am something and not at the same time. Like I say, I am everything good and not,all at the same time.
But to come off as someone as 'contradicting' is the first. I thought I was a weird mix but ok, that is the same as contradicting.

Despite my previous hate rants about Jason, I still agreed to go out for a late night movie with him. Only this time round, I didn't tell my parents it is him I would be going out with.
I don't want to confuse the whole issue any further for them. It was only yesterday that I confirmed for my mum that we broke up.

Jason asked in a way that I can't bear to reject or more like I do not feel anything wrong to go ahead.

I realised that with every time I got angry and I vented this out, the more detached I am from this ex-relationship.
At a point of time, it felt like after going through all these emotional messes, I do not wish to go through any of it anymore till I see someone worthy of it.
I do not want this relationship to back-track but of cos' I do not mean it as Jason & I would stop seeing each other. That is not the whole purpose of us breaking up in the first place.

I guess this is weird. Later, by meeting him, sitting besides him in the car & theater, it is no doubt gonna be awkward.

I tell myself that this is just a shot. Take it as I am single now and I am free to see anyone. Not necessarily date but just like going out casually. Of cos' there would be some friends who are off limits so guy-friends, please do not fret when I go out with you.
I won't paw on you. Hahaha.

Next time round, I get attached again. Be it Jason or whoever, I am gonna make sure this person is worthy and what I want.
Of cos' it isnt what I want only, also what he wants.

No more time wasting business.
25 years old is gonna be a change for me!

Best friend. - For Zhiwei, my Bes-friend.

I just bought 'New Moon' yesterday. Over 550plus pages(I exclude the starting few pages which I've read in 'Twilight' already, the Thank Yous and the few blank pages), I finished the whole book in less than a day time.
A day, I counted it as a sum of 24 hours and I think I used only like 5 plus 6 hours to finsh the whole story.
That's it, I can tossed 'New Moon' aside and wonder what to do next.
Well...To re-read is an option, I guess.
But I am so free now that I go around commenting on Facebook,making my prescence known.
I really wonder should I add my chinese secondary school teacher? He still looks so handsome to me! I figure..not. Sigh.

It must be 'Where Rainbows End' & the endearing friendship that Jacob and Bella shared(Though the clearly blurring of lines reminds me of something else altogether), I wondered how it is like to really have a male best friend.

I have nice guy friends but considering the level of best friend, I thought that the the years of knowing each other must be in the count as well.

My longest guy friend is Bes. Zhiwei actually but I like calling him 'Bes'. That was what I called him since day 1.
Since like freaking Secondary 1? I badly wish I had kept the emails we used to exchange.

Ming thought we could be great friends in life but no, his level was no where near to Bes. Ming is not as platonic as Bes' friendship to me.
And as close or nice as any other guy friends' is/are to me, I doubt any would ever come as close to what me and Bes share.

After reading 'Where Rainbows End', I can only relate to Bes for such kinda friendship.
Well even in the story, they did ended up together when they are like 50 years old?Hell! But that's fiction for you - a figment of an author's imagination & creativity.

I guess the reason that makes our friendship so easily platonic is we never ever met nor exchange a verbal conversation now.
10 over years, we rely mainly on sms-es.

Thinking of it, I didn't even keep the sms-es as constant as how best friends should. That I feel guilty for now easily proclaiming that highly honourable status just with a few words.

After reading 'Where Rainbow Ends', I am inspired to really work hard at this Best Friend status with Bes. I won't call him or suddenly spring a surprise meet up, I think he would have a panic attack.
I would work hard on keeping the sms business or whichever virtual contact constant.

With my Single rocking high status, I guess this is easier to work at than anything else. Not that when I was previously attached, it was any harder.
But I think I would feel even more liberated.

Anyway~what a blah blah de blah entry.

Ong Zhi Wei,

Happy 25th Birthday.

(You may read this or you may not)

You will be my Bes-Friend always!

Best wishes to you as always.

Love,

Ling

Almost toppled over

Ok, I have to announce this. It is absolutely CRAZY trying to be friendly and stay objectively rationale, cool,calm & collected maintain the almost non-existence friendship or whatever fuck it is ex-relationship with Jason.
If I can, I would ring him the very minute I am typing this now, to ROAR him down.
I have to HATE this guy to keep my emotion balance.

Yes,I was the one who initiated the 'cooling off' but since when this cooling off is NOW a break up?
Yes, I am the one who "christened" this as BREAK UP cos' it fucking feels like one!

Tell me WHY on earth should I carry on staying with a guy who can't keep up with me? By keeping up, I meant maintaining my basic emotion/security balance.
I am hell of a very insecure gal inside and all I need is someone who blah blah de blah. (Now I know you are sick of reading it so I am not typing it anymore.)

Good old Saturday again and I am having a date with Java Chip Frappucino @ Starbucks,Orchard Parade Hotel this time round.
I am beginning to be sick of all these frappucinos. They are now tasting all the same in my tongue and I don't fancy latte. Whatever skinny latte is. Hell!

I am once again fighting the urge to call Jason. Why can't he call me? I figured that he didn't want to. Just because he claims he is not a phone person,I think he might as well learn NOT to talk at all.
Which is something he is doing now. NOT talking to me at all!

Please Jason, do me a favour. Might as well don't try to keep up with me with your once in a while 'Hope the day is going fine for you.' this kinda half bucket shites!
Your ethics of 'NEVER HERE FOR ME ENOUGH' are killing me and I hope to kill you all the same. I really feel like coming over and slap you with a BOILING cup of coffee this time round. Don't even try me!

I don't even know why the fuck do I bother to comment at his Facebook. Hands tangled with all the guitar strings? I hope they make your fingers, all ten of them bleed and you end up losing too much blood and need to call the blood bank for help!
I am REALLY pissed when he replied back that 'with a new guitar, he would strum better'. THAT IS THE FUCKING GUITAR I WENT TO BUY ON A SUNDAY WITH MY BROTHER,LOOKING AND BEHAVING LIKE A NOOB(of cos' I am one) FOR HIS CHRISTMAS!
It made me boils just thinking he has all the time on his Saturday playing that guitar, uploading his former LOVE days with soccer(AND THAT WAS ALL THE SHITES I PUT UP WITH!) on Facebook.
I don't know what the fuck he is doing now but a good chance would be either working or spend with his mum and aunties on some west side of Singapore.

SURE, anything but to even bother try talking to me!

Even if technically it is NOT his responsibility to do so anymore but it just makes me mad thinking he never did better in the past either, and now it is even better for him cos' he doesn't really have to think how I would feel.
I know that by saying all these I am just being jealous, bitter, judgemental and whatever.
Can you please leave me some space cos' I don't wanna play Samaritan by trying to be fair and think how Jason would feel.

Who would think how I feel huh?!

How do I feel when my colleague asks me about the movies cos' I was one who watched almost every movie faster than anyone.

How do I feel when I am now stuck roaming around, drinking at Starbucks trying to pass off as a independent lady who is comfortable with herself.....When a part of her really wanna go off and strangles her ex-boyfriend the very minute!

How do I feel when my dad asks if Jason has called? No Dad, HE NEVER CALLS! PERIOD!

How do I feel when my mum keeps ranting that why do we break after so long and assumes (I know she assumes this) that it must be me who has the bad temper and chase away such a good guy.

How do I feel when supposedly when I broke up with my ex-boyfriend, I was left with the impression that I was stupid to let go and NOW he doesn't do anything about it either?

No,I don't need your explanations! I can only tell you that the longer we are apart and with all these feelings I am feeling now, I think the beautiful notion of us returning back to each other's arms on June 21st is just like what a 5 year old thinks that all couple live happily ever after.
Beautiful, innocent and STUPID!

I've got a premonition. I can see that the very minute I see Jason once more, I would break into big tears again. Which is gonna be soon perhaps cos' I bought his cousin - Charmaine, her b'day gift already.
What is her?8 years old now? I was there when she celebrated her 5th,6th and 7th! I could have been there when she celebrated her 4th but for a reason, I wasn't.
Now I can't be there for her 8th and I doubt now that I would be there for any of the forecoming.

Now I have all the way to keep this anger and injustice I feel beneath me so I would not throw the present right across his face when I see him and/or won't cry.

And I am now keeping my fingers crossed that 5th Feb would just work up anyhow and this time round,if it happens...I won't mince my words nor pictures. It's high time you all see who I am going out with.
No, I am NOT going out with anyone now nor in the near future. I meant that literally, like going-out.

All these dating shites can jolly well fuck off till I find someone who is worthy. God bless!

-----------
Ok, I feel more balanced after ranting all that out. Although I wasn't shouting but typing all these just have the same effect on me.

If you'd realised, the reason I am so angry is because I care but don't even try me. I am all ready to slap a boiling cup of coffee on you anytime!

F-off!

Love YOURSELF, pamper YOURSELF, think for YOURSELF. Ask yourself what is it that you want, the best for YOU, then you'll not regret *hugs* - Jules

I love keeping email conversations with my friends. I often email them to my personal email,knowing one day when I'm old and bored, I'd smile when I read them. Providing Gmail/Yahoo don't die on me when I'm old and bored.

I am simply not hiding my current status to anyone I know.Old or new friends, colleagues or ex-colleagues, family or strangers. I don't explain them but if you ask me, I would be honest with you.

I am a rocking 25 year old single Cancerian, sitting infront of my Vaio whom I bought it with my ex-boyfriend typing away AND dreading Saturday and the many Saturdays, of cos' the coming CNY too.

Sounds bitter? Whatever. But part of me never regrets anything at all. I can't even find the strength to be angry with anyone.

Sure, I am still sad and a funny sting of pain hits me everytime whenever I hear Jason Mraz's on Class 95fm(Which I think they did it on purpose on playing it at least TWICE a day. Fuck, I am still playing it on my Wmp), and when my dad asks about him.

Should I just do a tatoo on my forehead or jawline,since my fringe covers my forehead that we broke up?
I think this would be much better than explaning to where is my ex-boyfriend and why is he not here on CNY to my relatives.

For the past 4 CNY, my first and second day of which were all spent at his family's side with him playing with the cousins (all big and small) and without having a clue that I do not like sitting on the sofa pretending to be so interested with that damn tv show each year.

For a record, I kinda feel relieved that I do not have to do it this year. Of cos' realistically speaking, the drastic drop of my ang pows' is not very reliefing.

I know I sound awfully bitter writing all these but you are not me. You are not sitting on your sore ass experiencing the joy of singlehood after a long 5.5 year long relationship. Oh fuck, now all the time in the world?!
You are most likely happily indulging in the pineapple tarts, the bak-kwas, the whatever and whatever.

I am sorry if this sounds harsh but you who read this, knows I love you all the same.

The reason why I am writing like this is probably because I am in the midst of reading. I often get inspired to write a little weird when I am reading something I like.

I am starting to really like Cecilia Ahern's novels. I didn't even started with 'Ps.I love you'.
I started with 'If you could see me now'. I happened to read that the movie is targetting to hit the screen on 2011 and I don't care by then I would be watching alone if I have to cos' I WILL WATCH.
I love IVAN from ekam eveileb!!(Figure that yourself ;) )

At least Cecilia Ahern's novels are never that sad. I am getting tired of reading almost every couple gets separated by death in Nicholas Sparks' novels(Though it didn't happened in 'The Lucky One' but I almost thought it did). And I can't seem to find the rest of the Twilight books...Just as well, save me the penny.

Actually I think I can finish the tonight (and I just bought it last evening!!Fuck!) but that would left me with nothing to read tomorrow!
SIGH!

This is some bad digress but it frees me some space to think if I should blog about how disappointed I am with the break up decision.

I think I should, after all this is my godamn blog.

I clearly remember that night. What an amiable break up! To think I would live by a day to see my dear ex-boyfriend freeing himself away from work.
No, actually not that I would expect that. To separate him from indulging with his now 7 days worth of 2 jobs is like asking a fish to cycle on land.
As simple as that, I presume.

No. I do not have a problem with that. Not now especially.

I am just feeling dead disappointed. Despite I have nothing to ask for now, no right to ask for anything right now but whatever happened to the 'hopes' we had on that break up night?

Maybe I am being far too anxious cos' it has only been a mild 2 weeks. AND I know that Jason wasn't having it easy too. At least I know that was how he was feeling a week back? This week, no idea at all. I know, none of my beewax. Right.

Disruption*
Jason texted me. He said the weekend is here, spend more time with my family and take care of myself.
I know he still care but that doesn't covers the disappointment I had on Wednesday and maybe today.

He texted me on Wednesday, just a casual drop by mid-week greeting. It is not the kinda message that asks for my elaboration on my day, how am I doing etc. But I told him anyway cos' for some reasons, I was pretty stressed up @ work on Wednesday.
He kindly encouraged me but I kinda kept whining. At my 3rd whiny message, he did not reply anymore.

Rationally and soberly I know that he doesn't have to. Technically it is NOT his responsibility anymore.
Emotionally I am quite 'dead' on the fact that he must have got busy with his work again(even it's lunch time) and he didn't have the time to reply. AND he DIDN'T reply nor follow up till the earlier message I just gotten.

This is my typical ex-boyfriend for you. That is one of what that attributed to our break up.
He has conveniently learned not to contact me when he is at work.

As much as he loves/loved me, he can never express his concerns enough or making his prescence felt. And then he was partly blaming me that I think he never loves me enough when I thought these are somewhat mutually exclusive issues!

You know what a guy would do for me or what I would love a guy to do for me?
Please, at least call me!Hear me rant for a minute or five. Encourage me and not drop the bill just like that!
If I were to go on romantically, a Romeo would have send me an E-card to brighten my day and tells me how much he loves me still or surprise me by picking me after work with or without a sweet small gift. All that just in the name of cheering me on.
Of cos' this is no fairy tale so I would be just happy enough with the call or at least, messages to follow up! I really don't see how fucking difficult that can be as compare to your stressful work?!

That is what I can't drilled in Jason's head all these years, which seems to be just occupied with work,work,work and soccer AND soccer AND fucking more soccer but less of it when he quits the club, and thinking how much he loves me without actually communicating or making the fucking effort to.

I don't get this when I was his girlfriend and now that I isn't, I know I have no right to ask for it anyway. BUT that doesn't stop me from feeling the way that I do, does it?

You can say this is not fair. Yes,it isn't cos' this is MY fucking blog! Get used to it!
I don't know why am I so pissed now. Guess it is just something that built over the days.

Today is the 23rd and 23rd of every month used to be a day we would have dinner together, occassionally buying gifts for each other (more of my doings than his). As every 23rd came, the recents, I'd noticed had become literally meaningless.
We were either not meeting that day, quarrelled or simply no more 'Happy XXth + 1 month~"(And he used to do that...till it was lost.)

I do not expect him to wish me any 'Happy whatthefucktodayis month' but I am fighting all the urge today to call him.
I wanted to talk to him,wishing we could carry a decent heart to heart chat. I wish to meet him if possible. But no, I know I can't be doing all that when it seems very well he is NOT going to propose any of that on his own anyway.

I would not put words in his mouth nor paint a Jason-is-happy-now picture cos' a chance that he is not and probably thinking that he should now leave me alone.
It's bad enough but no matter what it is, I trust Jason has got his work to keep his life keep spinning at the rate he likes it to be.

I think I am just disappointed that the way I want and just want something I don't think is difficult at all, can't be acheived from the man who loves me so much?
Could this love never be meant to be anyhow?

What basis did I use it to be compared to? Another one who is seemly not meant to be but just doing the right things at the right time. Though still not meant to be.

Tomorrow's the dreaded Saturday again. I do not know what to do at all. My mind did scan through a few locations and God knows I would end up at Central, Starbucks drinking Java Chip Frappucino again?
I don't think I would cry tomorrow but let's keep our fingers crossed at that.

If by any chance that I should risk trying to make this entry a little brighter, I am annoucing I have a "Zoo-Day" date on 5th Feb.
Particially it sucks to go there again when I was there with 3 other person just in late 2007. But funnily, a part of me like a teenage school gal can't wait. ;)

If this is what you want, a chance to date. Here I am,proving my life is worth every day of the calender.

Happy Chinese New Year,friends.

Gonna spoil it for you (or just SW) with my face signing off. Hahahahaha.




Ps: I want you to know that I am not angry with you cos' I am no one to be that now. That doesn't mean I would be happy to reply your message tonight.

Ps:Sorry for yet another vulgar entry. Get used to it.

Not for Shaowei

Shaowei said that he will scroll very fast whenever he saw pictures of yours truely in my blog.

Fortunately or not, this entry is all about my face (later).

So Mr Tang, you have the consent to skip this entry altogether.

Hahahahaaha.

I was reading Cleo during the weekend and they have 2 pages advertising for Lucido-L curl hair lotion and wax. The 'problem' with that advertisement is their models aren't equipped with long locks already. They are just chin length hair japanese models!

It is every girl's dream to have perm hair at least once in their lifetime. Maybe not every girl but I assume a safe percentage of 70?

For my pathetic hair length, I wouldn't dream of it getting perm and actually, I really couldn't imagined me with perm hair.

I was at Sengkang with mum and bro last Sunday evening and my spontaneity hits me again.

I bought the electronic hair curler and today, I bought the Lucido-L curl hair lotion today.

When I reached home,(totally fagged)I still managed to find the energy to toy with my hair. I gingerly took out the curler and waited it to light up. I have no idea how this thing works and totally no idea how to do it.

Given the fact that I have 2 left hands, this isn't the most ideal stuff for me to play with.

I had already imagined me wasting the money before I roll my hair.

The result after playing with it? I kinda scalded my neck and my finger with the heated tongs and the curls are HORRIBLE!

Totally 'chiu' looking curls and I wonder would I ever have the patience to try making it right?

I would only show 2 pictures of which (But I didn't take many though). I have to clip up my fringe to make it look nicer?

Please tell me it is NOT auntie looking!!

I know you can't see the curls probably but just as well, those are not exactly curls I wanna show also.

Can anyone guide me on this curler thing and make me beautiful?

Sunday and things are gone

I don't mop all day. Yes, I cried. I wrote pretty emo stuff but which person writes happy stuff when they just walked outta a long,serious relationship? Teach me that.
But I still consider myself a pretty strong girl. I cried for a while but after I stop crying, I'm ok.

Though it feels kinda lonely and I wish someone else would really come and shield me, but I figure no one would wanna take up that dirty job. Lolx.

Before I left home last night, I told my dad that I would go market with him this morning. Honestly that wasn't exactly from the heart. I just wanna ease some guilt for being so horrible daughter who kept things to herself all the time.

I slept pretty late last night. Sleeping is a little difficult nowadays and I kept waking up in between feeling really restless, thinking why haven't the day comes.
Of cos' when it came, I felt a little sluggish.

I had my alarm set at 7.30am and fell back to sleep after it rang. My dad woke me up @ 8.10am and I had a good mind to continue sleeping, telling him I'm very tired.
"A promise is a promise." This thought came to mind and I woke up a minute after.

I heartx clear blue skies with just the right amount of clouds. It's sunny alright but the strong Spring wind is making everything just right.

I used to hate going to wet market. When I was young, I hated being dragged outta bed on Sunday mornings when the sun was blazing and I'm so sleepy.
I hated the crowd, the wet pavement, the fishy raw smell and the distance to and fro.
Of cos' I wasn't that grouchy everytime I went with mum but the last I can remember now is, I hated it.

Needless to say, I never went to wetmarket anymore eversince I'd grown.
Nowadays it is only my dad who went every Sunday morning. I'm used to my late waking on Sunday and the usual routine, and I hate to admit that I am really taking all these efforts for granted.

Welcome to Serangoon Market. It amazed me thinking how long it has been there actually.

Oddly I wasn't half as tired waking so early on a Sunday. (I attributed that to the Java Chip Frappucino I drank last night.)
It's good to step outta house without caring how I look. Of cos' I didn't think I look like a wreck altogether.

The wet market scence did not put me off. The smell wasn't half as bad as before. The crowd was ok. I went there feeling like stumbling something so new yet so old. Refreshing.

Away from the wetmarket, some CNY stuff outside Shop & Save.


Von & I shocked ourselves when we realised it is the CNY next week. It definitely feels weird. I didn't see, feel or even smell the approach of CNY and now it is here?!
Didn't even went to the Taka atrium like I used to...But well, there's no need for that anyhow...now.


After the usual housechores, I started to clear my room.
It dawned to me that the 4 bouquets have been there on my window panels for very long. All the flowers are gone now, nothing but dust collectors now.
Mum asked me to throw away before cos' she thinks it is not healthy leaving the bouquets there, trapping dust and flying around my room.
I didn't want to throw them away cos' it doesn't feel right.

But I did...Today.



I figured that next week in the CNY so I wanted to clear some stuff. I looked at those bouquets for a long time before taking them down.
Take it from me...Even those flowers were long gone and dead, they are nothing but a bunch of brown dried stuff now...It still takes some form of courage to throw them away.



This is the 1000th day anniversary bouquet. Although I think it is actually not very pretty (overall) but the 1000th day one touched me most.
I didn't think most guys would remember such trival details.
Well...It worked for some parts and some not.

This should be the 1500th day bouquet. I love the presentation of this one. Simple, pink and nice. My heart kinda aches when I have to throw this away. I can't be keeping one only. Somethings you have to clear it and keep the record clean. (Whatever I am talking about.)

I love this one. It's small and handy, and very beautiful. There used to be a small florist shop at the open space outside MPH, Raffles City Basement.
I was commenting that was a very nice bouquet and wanted Jason to buy for me. I know it was just a spur of the moment thing but I was hoping Jason would just buy it for me.
I went to the ladies and he presented me the bouquet when I came out.
I remembered him telling me do not expect this to happen everytime cos' that is not a magic toilet. That's a joke between us.
Well...It's gone too.

This last bouquet which I received from him was the heaviest, the most colourful and I think the most beautiful of all. It was for our 5th year anniversary.

I really like this one but it was too damn heavy. I still remembered Jason told me he had it customised to be 17 stalks of roses for a purpose and I still doubt that. Customise? T.T

I only kept one pine corn like stalk for the sake of rememberance.

It isn't easy trashing them away like that. It felt like pieces of me was being badly trashed too when I threw them in the rubbish chute.

But somethings...have to be done right?

My windows now look a lot brighter and empty.

I can't cry everyday. I still have to go work, eat and shite. I only have alot more time than the past now and I guess I have to figure a way to use them.

This is totally like exploring a new 'me' altogether. Part of this feels exciting in a good way.

But it isn't easy. I foresee there will still be days I cry, I feel stupid and silly, I am angry and unjustified etc.

I guess...this is part and parcel.

请不要分了以後还记得亲吻过的承诺. 你的永久已不属於我 - 萧敬腾

I never felt more alone.
I was already crying while walking back home from the train station.
So many scenes flashed by my mind and I suddenly start crying, really crying in the middle of the blocks. I forced my legs to walk back but once I was about to reach my doorsteps, I just couldn't walk anymore.
It was pathetic. I broke down to tears and sat at the corridor stairs, almost wailing.
I don't think I have cried like this in public. No doubt I was alone that time but crying in public is kinda pathetic for me.

I was at Central,Starbucks trying to write, trying to read.
Ashvin called me to drop his concerns.
"I was there when both of you got together."
Despite my usual replies of telling people I am doing fine (Which is true), when he said,"You guys have been together for 5 years, it must have mean something to you."
I managed to reply, "It is..." after few seconds of slience, only to start tearing after I hung the call.

I teared at Starbucks. I teared sitting by the river. I cried at the middle of the house blocks. I cried at my house staircase.
Fuck! It's so annoying and no one is here. I don't think I want anyone to be there though but I don't understand...

Before I head out, my mum asked where am I going and who I am going out with. I do not want her to worry so I told her that I am meeting my friend instead of the truth which I would be alone.
She commented, no she WARNED that I shouldn't be 'wild' and stop my two-timing nonsense!
What the fuck was that? I was so pissed that I raised my tone and told her to stop jumping to (fucking) conclusions just because she doesn't know a thing.
I was so pissed but then again, for what for?

I have no reason to be angry with anyone at all. Though I asked for this but can anyone tell me it is not my fault? Is it?

I am getting more tired than usual.

Suddenly...instead of renewing, I don't feel like 'going back' anymore.
Because...all these...are making me too weary.

The love, the relationship, the fading of everything together with time, the setbacks, the heartbreaks, the tears...
I don't think I can redo everything with the same person anymore nor anyone new at anytime soon.

I'm going to bed.
Night.................

想切歌切掉回忆的画面-温岚

So I somewhat told dad what happened between me and Jason and I guess it is understandable why he was not on my side but his.
I did not account what went wrong between us, whose fault it is but I think my parents like him more than whatever issues I am gonna bring up, it would be more of my mistake of letting go.
He thinks it is just a small quarrel and told me that he hopes to see us patching back soon.

I wish I can simplify the whole thing and tell him that we won't be back to where we were for a period of time or maybe for good.

I can't help but cried again just now. Not as bad as that 2 days. Tears are moderating and sadness is numbing.
I do not know where to go, what to do at all.
Whatever Jason is doing now, I have no idea. He seems to be doing a good job anyway,without me. At the very least, I know he has work to cover him no matter how he is feeling.

Work. This is really unfair.So fucking unfair. If I were to work backwards and think the little trigger points here and there, I didn't think it is my fault.
The holes Jason left along the years are too damaging and then with some appearances of some people who shouldn't be there aggravated the whole thing.
And then I stop believing, starts rejecting. This is REPERCUSSION!

Anyway he is doing a good job in distancing himself now. I am left with nothing,seriously.
I won't be any happier if I didn't make the decision but now I am left with nothing either.
So fucking unfair.

Think after dinner, I would just drag my body out and get a cuppa.
I hope Starbucks has seats..good seats.

虽然被放弃,心碎人孤寂...虽然我愿意 - 伍家辉

Friends have been asking am I ok, asking me to be strong, telling me that they love me.
I am touched and would die in gratitude.

Honestly I am ok. 真的，我没事。


I mourned for the 2 days and third day once I am back to work, I think I am ok. I laughed like I should and I feel like it at work.
Work wise has been so-so, better than the down days.


I keep thinking...Is this real?Is Jason leaving me for good?Is this break up or cool down?
With the normalcy of life, I felt this is quite manageable.
Jason is not the sort that would contact me often anyhow on normal days and I am not the sort that would mop by the days pathetically...Not yet.


I wonder is this good? Would we really be able to get back? Would we resume contact soon? Would he realise that his life is surely better without me but then again, I am just but a day outta his seven in a week? Would it makes a difference for him or would he realise that eventually there is not much of a major difference.

I don't know, I really don't. The places we have been to are almost everywhere and they are all so new in the memory. Just a walk to Marina Sq - Suntec - home flashes so many, just so many times that Jason & I...were there.


Is this just memories that I am afraid to let go? I guess a major part.


The odd thing is I do not feel like crying now. I think I have exhausted my tear ducts on that 2 days and now...I don't know.


Everything is a great deal of I don't know now and seriously, I don't know how Jason is doing.
I can't help but to message him last night at 11pm last night,reminding him to take care and not just bury himself to work.

On past circumstances, he would not reply any time sooner he received the message. If he is working, he would perhaps give me a reply only after he ends his work.
I would be waiting. Waiting for his reply, wishing for more warmth in it, anticipating the arrival of tomorrow cos' we would be meeting.

It's a brilliant weather today and I'm not working. It's a day I would hate to waste it sleeping.
Jason's message woke me up at 9.30am.
His reply came so late, arrived so cold.

I guess not just disappointment washes me down. It was also a feeling of 'giving up' or maybe 'given up'.

Disappointed that his message came only so late. That is the usual disappointment that I always got when I was with him. He is not the sort that would perhaps like SW, fingering his mobile like it is stuck to his hand once his beau messages. (Lolx)
He would only reply when he is settled with his work but NOT immediately. Only like when he is done parting with his friends etc then replied.
Maybe that is just my judgement but there is no more warmth in his messages as years went by.

Given up/Giving up...Is the message, the way he replied now. Whether he did it on intention or just the way he wanna reply me, it just spelt the feeling across.

Is it the case we just say goodbye for good?
Somethings in life...The moment you said goodbye, the line would be drawn there and you'd realised there's hardly any chance of return.

Instead of everything that night, this is the eventual feeling I get or is this just the beginning?
Beginning of a long route.

You and I both loved...- Jason Mraz

You know,Jason?It really doesnt matter if we were eating at any restaurants OR just the coffee house at FAr East.It really doesnt matter if we were eating ice creams that is like $3.50 per scoop or from Swesens,OR we are just buying from the 'Potong' uncle.
It really doesnt matter we are able to take cabs or drive in our own car,OR we are walking by feet or taking bus.

Coz every minute with you is just too precious and o'so sweet..so I dun care whether we can afford a big time with the measures of money.
The time spend with you is rich enough. Love ya,dear.
---Sunday, July 18, 2004

very tiring and its so sad for me coz im like,missing Jason every now and then.how i wish the next day i could sleep late and then get ready for a date with him.
sigh...i really miss him,even though its only like one hour ago we part.

we had dinner after work,and i appreciate him for e efforts. we could have both GONE home.(lol)

i wish i have the strength to hug him and linger a lil more with him.

after dinner,i wanted to go home immediately when he whined to me that he wanted to visit the aquarium shop. he loves fishes...duh..boring pets. haha..how cute when he whines to me..so adorable,that i cant help but give in.
---Wednesday, July 14, 2004


Jason was waiting at the voideck after my tuition,and yes..i was still kinda mad over his msges.so my first greeting was,"so free ah?"

i knew that is very rude,and i almost wanna punch myself when he gave me those very upset puppy eyes. *control*

he asked me in a very pleading yet amusing tone not to scold him anymore,coz he got scolded by his mum and coach earlier in e day. aww..my poor baby..i wanted to really hug him dear,but my pride got the better of me.
---Tuesday, July 06, 2004

look..you may be saving money for my coming bday,but im telling you i DUN GIVE A DAMN about any presents or what...eating restaurants.

i can jolly well eat at a normal coffee-joint,and even fork my own money for the movie.I DUN WANT ANYTHING BUT JUST A LITTLE TIME WITH YOU!

seriously to all those boyfriends who are so committed to their work with the thought of wanting the BEST for their girlfriends...i really wonder if that is the real heartfelt thought,OR MAINLY A GLOSSY EXCUSE TO SATISFY YOUR OWN MEN EGOS!!

maybe some gals do care for some materials or so,but all i want is some quality time with you,not some time filled with quality things!

i have no idea but really do you know how much I HATE to just spend some lil hours with you before seeing YOU off to ur trainings.

yes..im trying my best to understand you,your committments and give space..but that doesnt give you the right NOT to understand how i feel and find ways to give in to me.
---Tuesday, July 06, 2004

jason is definitely not the guy next door..but i dunno where he stands either. so i really thinks he has got hold of some voodoo kinda spell on me.haha.
---Thursday, July 01, 2004

I forced myself to take a nap earlier on. It is hard to fall to sleep despite my body is so tired.
I woke up, thinking ,"Hey~it's not that bad. I don't feel like crying anymore. But why can't I off the music from my phone? Been replaying for too long?"
It's only minutes after I really woke up and the my stinging feel of my eyes returns.
I don't know why, the moment my eyes open, they get wet again.

Saw Yin's message. Since I am at the worst now, it could only get better. =)
I hope so.

A part of me regrets this so much. I was looking at the photos we took during our Hongkong trip. Though we looked happy enough but I remembered not feeling as happy as we looked.
I look at Jason. Why haven't I start looking at him properly or when did I stop looking at him altogether?
I guess I know when though.

I briefly counted a 157 days to June 21st before I slept.
Jason told me to try to 'flush' him outta my system during this period of time. A part of me don't want this at all. I really do not want this.
I just want us to go back to where we were. I just want us to be happier like before.
When did we stop trying?When did we stop talking?What happened and why is it so?

I am not walloping in self-pity,for goodness sake. I am just trying to think.
It is not possible for me to feel nothing, carrying out what we have decided just like that.
For all I know...at the end of all this, we just can't go back at all, we can't start afresh too. That is something that I do not want now. Yet I have to stick to this.
It would be a joke to decide that this 'decision' shouldn't be carry out too.

-Sigh-
Jason had wanted me to continue blogging. He thinks I write fine and he keeps reminding me to just carry on. Write through the good and bad days and he would always be reading.
I shouldn't keep posting such tearing emotions cos' they won't be making anything easier for Jason. He knows to in order to get me moving, he has to show me that he is moving already.
Doing it for me as usual.

Gotta eat dinner. I have to keep life going as usual.

Why on earth do I feel like the female lead in Ps.I Love You. ? It feels like that kinda loss altogether?
Hell...

请记得你要比我幸福 - 陈晓东

Sometimes it just feels so right when this guy besides u is ur friend,ur buddy,ur bf all at the same time.

Sometimes I am just afraid that when we are too comfortable with every thing,we may tend to take things and each other for granted.And that is when friction occurs and even worser scenarios..

Sometimes I am afraid that my overly anticipation or obession with the future may becomes a burden to you,puts you off..or worse becomes our bummer in life.

But no matter how...I guess you will always fit into Shania Twain's "Still the one" ---
--Sunday, November 28, 2004

he night of our 16th month ends off with him helping me with the lines tml and giving a reassuring hug.
---Wednesday, November 24, 2004

Lately Jason hasn’t been msging much. I am not angry but feel somewhat a lost child scratching her head,and thinking what is wrong,where has everyone gone?
Everyone is somewhat,somehow outta touch.As if we live in different zones in this entire universe.
Am I being isolated? Or everyone is just confining themselves in their own time out zone,including myself?
----Thursday, November 18, 2004

Jason spelt this name as Michiela in his hp.I thought he spelt wrongly,but he said he prefered it this way as it sounds French.
----Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I wonder how is Von right now?I hope she is not that impulsive enough to give up Andy though partially I understand how she feels.
I wonder how is Irene…but guess she just have the upper hands anytime.A gal who NEVER has anything wrong in her entire 21 years.
I wonder how is Yin?A fine gal who is so innocent,naïve,straightforward,sweet and cute.Though that poor RQ never gets her love,but I hope she will find someone as good or better.
----Wednesday, November 17, 2004

And so..those were the past…And to my present.
He is someone who surpass any of the guys I had mentioned.
Someone very ordinary yet I find myself praising him to sky high or jump to his defenses if anyone were to ask about him.
Someone who makes me angry and yet I never remember what about the incident when we reconciled.
Someone that I keep mentioning over and over till you are sick of hearing/reading.
Someone whom is more than words.
You know who you are. Love you lots.
----Wednesday, November 17, 2004

I dunno..suddenly..Jason just become so wonderful.
Hehe..I am not too shy to say it here. Now listening to Ronan Keating "when you say nothing at all".Reminds me of my first birthday celebrated with him.
There at the beach,him struming and singing.Though the planes were a source of noise pollution.But that was one of the best-est date I ever had.Hehe.

Sigh..I miss him.
I really,now,kinda look fwd to the day when we are old enough to set up our own family.
Our home,our children..our time.
I remembered in one of his smses yonks ago,he wrote something like..asking me not to cry now..cry when he proposes,cry when he put the wedding band on my finger,cry when we have our own home,cry when we have our first child..etc.
Hee..that is so..sweet...and something that he never tells me now. I dunno what is he afraid of now..but most probably it is my fault. I faulted alot in this relationship and that perhaps made him lose the confidence of having the future dream with me.

But...I hope...One day..I would be able to help him regain that confidence.
I just msg and ask would he sing This I Promise You should one day he would propose to me? Duh... Dont blame me for being impatient..Blame my winamp that is playing that song now.
I hope my dreams doesnt put a pressure on him..But I think it does:(

Sorry... -_-
-----Sunday, October 24, 2004

Rec Jason's love letter last night and was laughing and feeling so sweet as I read it yesterday. Hehe. My first love letter~;p
----Saturday, October 23, 2004

And last night Jason wanted to come and fetch me after my tuition.But ironically I boarded the bus he alighted and we ended up missing each other.
This sounds like some drama plot huh. But still he came to my house and we chatted under the block.
That night he was my buddy.

How nice it would be to share a relationship with a guy that is not only your lover,but your guardian angel,your buddy,your anger venting machine,your grumbling venting machine,your everything.haha.
We are not just talking about the good side of relationship always.
Do I look fwd to the point of time when I can look back and realised how much this love has make us to grow?;)
----Saturday, October 23, 2004


Think i also need to clear my table.It is in a mess.
Listening to Jay Chou "Xing Qing" now.
Reminds me of Jason of coz.Sometimes I cant stand him singing every now and then.But sometimes I just miss him singing.
---Sunday, October 10, 2004

hope my dear is well. headaches go away~ he has alot to go this week.
---Monday, October 04, 2004

Sigh...still feel very sian about that thwarted call from my boo.
Sometimes..I really WISH he makes more efforts for smaller things in life.
Sometimes I wonder am I asking for too much or what.
Sometimes I wonder why am I doing the msging most of the times,saying good night..etc..makes me feels so useless.
Sometimes...I still think..being single is good.

If there is one thing I hate about Jason,there would be his soccer commitment at the WRONG time.
Here I am thinking that we ought to spend more time with each other,here I am willingly to spend 2 to 3 hours of our precious Saturday waiting for him to finish training...and there,a thwarted call!

Actually I understand that it isnt his fault,I am not angry with the person,but am really very SICK of his soccer thingy.

We dont meet every other day,infact now,we really only meet ONCE a week!
My god..how many couple get by meeting ONCE a week,for that few hours..and really like,not spending quality time together?!
----Thursday, September 16, 2004

I think...I have destroyed Jason's confidence alot.
Coz suddenly I recalled..he used to be a much confident guy thatI know,as compare to now.I know it is my fault.
But I kinda miss and need that confident Jason back with me.
It is that Jason that I see in the soccer field. That kinda smile he gave from the field when I saw,though I was sitting far, is so charming though.
---Sunday, September 12, 2004

Wish Jason msges more,but guess he is really busy.
---Friday, August 27, 2004

And Jason..Ha,need I say anything?
He really needs help in giving surprises in life,but again..he is too nice for a bf.And lucky he is mine. Muacks~
---Thursday, August 26, 2004

So I called him over.We talked..and he cried badly.
I guess I am really stronger than him coz he always cry first;p

Suddenly..he kept very quiet. Was I afraid of breakup?
I guess I am more afraid of breakup if he did it for ME.

Every words he said cuts me..not because it hurts me but makes me realises how much I hurt him. I told him very frankly how I feel and again and again,I have got his assurance.

It is always for me..he always did things for me.
That is the boy who is always there for me. Tonight..every words he said touched me.

At the ending part,we were sitting like 2 good friends..when I really have the urgency to go toilet.haha. I guess..this relationship still has alot more to learn.
---Tuesday, August 24, 2004


--------------
I kinda wanna carry on but my eyes really, really hurt.
Think I shall rest it.

那就分手吧, 再爱都无须挣扎 - 动力火车

My eyes are so stingily painful and swollen now; I have never seen my double eyelids so pronounced.-muse-

It has not been easy for me as much as you may choose to say,"It's all your doings."

Indeed it is but it is not an easy one for me. If I haven't treasured enough, I wouldn't have took so long to come to this decision.

I cannot stop crying at all. The moment my eyes are open, my senses are awake, my tears come streaming down.

I don't remember anyone other than my family (whom also never get to see it nowadays) and Jason, seeing me crying. Especially not ever since I've grown up. No matter how sad I can be, my tears are never easily seen. This is not uncommon of cos but I also had not remember feeling the way I feel today.

Today...The tears seem to carry a different meaning altogether.

Dear friends...

Today onwards...Jason and I are officially not a couple anymore.

I hope I haven't been making this period of time (I know that's a hell long of a period) difficult for all of you who care.

I feel terribly sorry and thankful though...Especially to Von. Though I know of all people, she can't stand the way I handled my situation. Sorry ;p.

I really do not know how to start this, how to explain this, how to relate this.

I only know that I can't stop crying and I wonder how to reduce the swelling before my parents come home and would I go blind?

As much as I do not feel like accounting the whole thing but I guess I have to. (I figure if I don't do so here, I would be force to do it verbally which gonna suck for me.)

Ok..here goes.

---------------------------------------------------------------------

You see, other than Irene & Jimmy who are blissfully married now, Jason and I are the longest surviving couple among the group of people I know.

He was my first official boyfriend and we kinda did a good job of maintaining the way we are as a couple.

I guess our relationship breaks down cos' we couldn't get it started anymore. Not now.

I really do not have the courage to start it all over again just like that and do not have the confident not to hurt him or not feel hurt by him.

We had this decision around 1 year plus back but didn't have courage and will to execute it. Maybe it still wasn't meant to be then.

We spent a long time sitting outside Potong Pasir McDonalds, witnessing the skies changed its colours, the clouds moving freely, the chilly January wind blowing in our bones.

I tried to be angry. I pushed what I have not been getting from him, my emptiness to him. As if anger would do a better substitution for sadness, I wanna be angry.

Perhaps by pouring all these out, I would be justified.

I said alot of stuff and his 1-2 words questions seem to retaliate well enough too.

If you think by just breaking off is easy, it is not.

Jason and I are not a new couple. We were there in each other lives for the past 5 years and though 5 years is not an exact lengthy amount but it is enough, longer than most of yours.

It is neither the case that we have stop loving each other nor we have found someone else altogether.

"So why break?"

When 2 persons chose to part, it doesn't have to be the case of the above mentioned.

At this point of time, I am not confident enough to carry on.

What if I carry on but hurt him again? Would I be confident to really accept things as it is? Would I be able to brush off the empty feelings that Jason can't give me.

Our relationship has a knot or a few, would it be good to just carry on like this?

Yet it is very difficult to part like this. It is easier to part when you kinda hate that one person at that point of time. But we never hate each other.

I would just hate to see him hurt and pretending it hasn't matter for him as long as I am with him.

Instead we come to this decision. Even though I was the one who suggested it but I never think it would be so painful to do it.

I really never think so. I am very afraid but since I chose this, I must stick to it,isn't it?

I thought it was June 19th 2003 or was it 2002? that we started this relationship though officially began in June 23rd . But Jason said June 21st and June 21st it shall be.

From now till June 21st 2009, I wanted Jason to learn to have abit of time for himself, find who he was instead of just burying himself into work. I know I had taken alot from him for the past 5 years but it would be a good time to see if he would be happier eventually without me.

From now till June 21st 2009, Jason wanted me to find someone else who is worth my time, who would listen to me and I would be able to talk to, and try to open myself up, fall in love.

He had wanted me to be careful on my own as well. He has been taking care of me for the past 5 years and if I were to be on my own, I have to be careful.

He also said if I think I have found someone worthy and wanted to date, I could go ahead. I could even talk to him and let him know what kinda person that guy would be.

And if he found someone else, another girl perhaps, he would expect me to be able to do the same for him.

And till June 21st 2009, if we still have heart for each other, I guess nothing should do us part again.

If you think it is not that bad, in a way it is. But the thought is very crushing. I wanted so badly to say no to all those crazy propositions, I don't want and don't dare to find someone else and I don't want Jason to find someone else.

"So why do you still wanna do that?"

Because I really love this guy but so many things that happened, we are not as happy as we were. In a way, you can say we had lost each other to time.

I do not really think we would be happy just going back to each other's arms again.

We need time to find what was lost and find would it be better apart than together?

This is a wager. It's not a winning of 50-50 that we would be together or not by the end of it.

Either or both of us would perhaps find someone new to start with.

Either or both of us would perhaps find it better to be friends than couple at the end of it.

From now till June 21st feels like a long time. I couldn't help to feel scare of the many possibilities that would happen during this period of 6 months.

I pleaded with Jason, asking if we could still go out, would he still call/sms me?

He said we could but I know the moment today starts, I would no longer be a priority.

As much as I am afraid, I thought I could only force myself to stick to this. I don't wanna make it more difficult for Jason anymore.

Maybe it seems pretty much comical to you. Maybe you think I ask for it and in a way, I thought so too.

Either way, this seems to be fated.

Now I am only afraid of losing what I was given all along and I know I would only have myself to blame anyway.

But I want Jason to be happy. Perhaps he would be happier without me eventually and if by June 21st, we can't go back to where we are...I guess this is it.

If you happen to see me anytime soon, don't expect me to relate all this to you again. I think you would understand.

黑夜渗透了想念

偷不走微光闪现的千种画面

我背着伤痛离开

孤单拖着记忆支离破碎欣:

原以为不会改变

眼泪在脸颊上干枯失去知觉

我的心挣脱了爱

跟随着夕阳埋进了海洋

为什么相爱的人却又为爱而纷争

现实的翅膀扰乱了原本幸福的气氛

我有我的过错

我有我的疑惑

藏在面对面的折磨背后

为什么让爱躲进乌云密布的天空

随着风漂流在外一点一点的散落

慢慢远离的梦

渐渐冷却冰封

心痛都当初相遇的心动

-刘畊宏&许慧欣 - 心动心痛

The curves of my lips drooped back to it's original point as soon as everyone in the office says goodbye to me.
Like a mask fallen off my face, I am back to the how I felt.
Silence surrounds me now.
Never felt better.

You said that love was just a state of mind, a puzzle made of pieces you cant find. - A1

Caught in the middle?Vonx was reminded of me(and many other stuffs) as she thought of this song.
I am not sure if I am in the middle of anything.I can't even see what's on the other side of either coast.

I spent my Saturday in a dream that I've been dreaming all the time and I wish,so badly that I do not have to wake up at all.
The ending is still cruel. When the realization dawns on me, I feel really hurt.
Why is it (still) this way? What did I lack of? Why can't I have it?

Why are we still friends? - 98 degrees.

Some people are harder to be friends than strangers. They really are.

"If time can be reversed, would you still want to know me?"

No. I really won't. Despite the many laughter, many good times I was given, I really doubt I would wanna know you all over again. It hurts too much and I pass the same hurt unnecessarily.
For me to realize that in the end, I am just a friend, a very good friend infact is very hurting.

"Time can't be reversed so it's too bad. We had already known each other."

Depart is the only possible solution. I can only leave to feel better.

"I would pursue on. You can't leave me."

More like you don't want me to leave. The hurt and plead I heard in your voice is so real. Why would you be afraid if I leave? Are you just afraid that you would lose a good friend? Best friend forever?
You do not understand who you are to me. You are a piece of shadow, a piece of impossible longing, a piece of memory, a piece of very coincidental hard to come by good friendship. Yet how can I just be a good friend for you?

There is a line of gap between good friends and a couple. You are everything but just something (or a few things).

I slept through the day. slept through the loud cacophony of 'noise' from the funeral @ my block, slept through my father's cigarette smoke, slept throught the hours. I wish to sleep on cos' sleeping is the only way to let every emotion goes to sleep.

Sometimes I wish by going through long hours of sleep, I can wake up forgetting the bad stuff.
Wake up, moving on.
Moving on is really harder than one think. How to erase those markings you wish you have never draw?

The bad thing is I do not really have the time to sleep through everything. You know perhaps by sleeping long enough, you get tired of it and then you really move on.

I still have to go to work everyday, still have to smile everyday(Even if I don't feel like so but smiling is only necessary.), still have to go home and eat. (Eating is a total chore for me now! I just sit at the table, eating like it is a programme in my head. Chew,chew,swallow.)
I just have to keep this daily stuff going on as per normal so that no one would notice/worry.And I wouldn't have want them to anyway. No, not the attention on me. I don't need that.

A part of me stops moving cos' I can't leave and I can't move on. I really wish I could throw away all these daily responsibilities and really go away for a while. I will be back when I am ready, when I found something.
It just seem largely impossible cos' things surrounding you keep spinning non-stop and I can't ask to be excused.

I know life ain't as bad cos' there are bigger worries in life. There are so many more unfortunates cases around. There are people who worry about living, worry about money, worry about safety and health, worry about bigger worries in life.
Mine is so insignificant, I know. That is why I do not wallop in self-pity, I tried to be strong and move on, I never think mine is any case that requires special attention/counselling/consolation.

If everything is just a state of mind. Mine are all unnecessary pains.
I could do away with them.
I need alot of time alone,really alone. Yet there are so many places I am afraid to go alone cos' a lot of them have memories.

I then, wish for someone to bring me away.
Please.

Help.

Me.

4 years,we have not met.

I met John yesterday.
(I wish I have a more creative way to open this entry but with John, my vocabulary and language flow become so limited and I decided not to over do it before it backlashes.)
I last seen John when I was 21 years old and it still amazes me how did the time fly by just like that?


"Hello Chuan Ling. Free for dnr tmr?"

That tomorrow was referring to Wednesday. I was pleased by surprise to see that message. Honestly I didn't think John meant it when he said we could meet sometime. While I never doubt John(No, never can doubt a person like him.), I kinda brushed that off as a mere greeting/gesture.
Sure I would love to meet John again but I am hardly one that would initiate a meeting with...a guy. Hahaha.-shy-

Unfortunately I was supposed to have a dinner with Irene & Von that Wednesday, (Though it never happen too and we were all stuck in office working OT.) so I thought Friday would be nice.
I do not know why and how but I actually initiated a movie session instead of dinner. I only remembered John mentioned he wanted to watch Red Cliff 2 too and so it happened that way.

Usually I would feel a little 'apprehensive' meeting someone that has been missing in my daily life, for years in that matter of fact.
Would we have things to talk about, long enough? Would there be awkward pauses? Would there be time that he wishes he would rather do something else than stuck trying to be talk to me?

Other than all those apprehensiveness, I felt faint from excitement anxiousness (Maybe) the whole day.
I felt as if it was back to the first time I talk to John and butterflies in my stomach,flew in confusion the whole day long.
To be honest, I was dead worried that I will make a fool outta myself, I suffer from sudden slurred speech, I miss my step and trip or worse, fall! A hundred and ten possible 'calamities' await and I became restless.

I remembered a part of our last conversation during the first meet up.
I couldn't remember what was John's exact words but he said something like 'Before Americans have rockets to reach the moon, what do they have?'
I swore that I would have know the answer! I was pretty sure I had seen that phrase before but all I did was blinking ignorance to John.
When he said with enthusiasm, "They have a dream." and went on, a part of me felt like slamming my face down the teppanyaki hot plate in front of me.
I felt very ignorant and small suddenly.

The working day went by half easily and not. I was extra cautious with myself when I trotted off to meet him.
But it was really all easy and all natural seeing John again. It hardly feels like it has been 3 - 4 years since we met.

Red Cliff 2 was good. I especially like the way Chao Cao delivered his poem - 短歌行.

对酒当歌，人生几何？
譬如朝露，去日苦多。
慨当以慷，忧思难忘.
何以解忧？唯有杜康。
青青子衿，悠悠我心。
但为君故，沈吟至今。
呦呦鹿鸣，食野之苹。
我有嘉宾，鼓瑟吹笙。
明明如月，何时可掇？
忧从中来，不可断绝。
越陌度阡，枉用相存。
契阔谈宴，心念旧恩。
月明星稀，乌鹊南飞，
绕树三匝，何枝可依？
山不厌高，海不厌深。
周公吐哺，天下归心。
(I think this is part of it only)

I was somewhat surprised to see John watching Chinese movies. He is very 'English' to me.
But too it is nice to observe how easily John is into the movie. He was lightly nodding his head along some parts, gave that "What for?Stupid!" hand gesture when the rash Zhang Fei rushed out only to meet the arrows and how he shook his head disapprovingly when Liu Bei backed out the alliance.
It is like seeing some other parts of John altogether.=)

We continued to hang out a little longer, replacing caffeine for smoothies @ Spinelli.
All those doubts, apprehensiveness etc are all stupid! It is ever so easy to talk to him, to carry a decent yet very 'connecting' conversation.
I am kinda surprised that I couldn't seem to hide who I am in front of him.

Ok to be fair, I never hide who I really am. I don't live pretending I am someone else. But I live with my thoughts within me. I don't seem to find the ability to verbalize them so here they are. I can 'write' them better than I talk.
So I don't think I could find someone that would be able to make me 'TALK'.

But yesterday was a brilliant night. Words just spilled and I don't even seem to realize that am I talking too much? There were mini moments I wish I have better words to phrase my sentences but they came out too quickly, too easily.

I think he just make me reveal a different side of me that is rarely seem(that I don't even recognized myself) effortlessly.
We covered about relationships, families, life, fears, future..I don't know. He is definitely better with his words than me and I don't know if I ever look daft in front of him.
Even if I am, he would be kind enough to never exposed me.

Anyway John took a step that most of us wouldn't took, in his career. It is a career that it took really a lot of courage, will power, faith and blah blah de blah to work on it. .
He was definitely drawing a comfortable salary (I think) but he took a step to make the change. That is definitely gonna challenge a lot of things in his life and he is brave enough to admit his fears in front of me.

I can only relate to my dear friend - Yuanpin for the choice that John made. I remember Yuanpin's unshakable faith for the choice he made for his career.
Of cos' it would be a lil' over-idealizing to think everyone would be able to make a living based on faith for a job. But what I am talking about here is the 'step'.
You certainly don't think it is easy in the first place to make that decision.

Whether it works out or not, it made a difference already.

Anyway John needs not worry about 'tainting' the impression he left on me. Cos' it is all the same and it gets better.

A person like him, hard to come by.
A friend like him, more than words.

When would comes another day/night whereby I can talk like that? Even if never, last night was good enough. Good enough.

For you, John. =)